


Love by the Dozen

by PoppyAlexander



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: AU Exchange 2014, Alternate Universe - Actors, Exchangelock Gift, Johnlock Roulette, M/M, Magazine Article Format, Music, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 15:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1987827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoppyAlexander/pseuds/PoppyAlexander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Actors Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, stars of crime drama "Bristol Stomp," are this month's celebrity couple chosen to comment on a dozen random songs for the Love by the Dozen column in Music Rage magazine.</p><p>Actors-AU<br/>Gift, Exchangelock, AU Exchange 2014</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love by the Dozen

Music Rage Magazine Presents **: Love by the Dozen**

written and transcribed by Poppy Alexander

 

Sherlock Holmes and John H Watson are making history. Now filming the third series of their hit drama, _Bristol Stomp_ (Holmes and Watson play a deliciously deviant pair of organized crime bosses), the actors settled many pub bets when they began walking red carpets hand-in-hand, and made their year-long romance public. They are the first openly gay couple to co-star together in a television series.

A veteran of the Shakespearean stage, Watson’s breakout role as the Master in _Doctor Who_ (opposite Peter Capaldi’s twelfth incarnation of the Doctor) earned him the title of Best-Loved Baddie in our readers’ poll that year. “I don’t seek out roles as villains,” Watson says, “They sort of come along, and they’re interesting. The thing about _Bristol Stomp_ is that although it’s a drama, and Sherlock and I play sort of really awful guys, we try to play it a bit like a buddy comedy.”

“We had excellent chemistry as actors, right from the start,” adds Holmes, formerly best known as the sweetly tragic butler of Stonefield Hall in the BAFTA-winning film, _Stonefield_. “John and I both approach the scripts with an eye to bringing forward some humanising elements; we want viewers to sympathise with our characters despite their obviously negative qualities.”

Legend has it that super-agent Greg Lestrade first discovered Sherlock Holmes dancing in a cage at a gay bar when Holmes was just seventeen. A string of bit parts in modestly-successful films followed, with Holmes’ performance usually lauded as a highlight. But not until he was paired with Watson in _Bristol Stomp_ did he become a bona fide star (indeed, last summer #happybirthdaySherlockHolmes exploded, trending worldwide on social media, ahead of civil unrest in the Middle East and the birth of “the spare heir” to the throne that same weekend).

Neither will say when their on-camera chemistry shifted into a real-life romance, but rumours were flying before the first series finished airing that the two were more than friends. Holmes has had a tabloid-worthy string of tumultuous affairs—most notably his on-again/off-again relationship with notorious nightclub mogul Jamie Moriarty, about which Holmes keeps largely mum, but which was marked by arrests, public (sometimes physical) fights, and two long stretches in drug rehab for Holmes. Now three years clean, he makes neither excuses nor apologies for his former bad habits, but says, “That’s truly, _completely_ , in the past now. . .I was headed for disaster and I hardly know that person, the person I was. I’m focused on the future now.”

When pressed as to whether the future might bring the peal of wedding bells, Watson smiles widely—a friendly, chum-down-the-pub grin so unlike the usually-dour face of his _Bristol Stomp_ character, Nick Young. “I won’t say it’s never come up in conversation,” he teases, “But there’s nothing in the works at the moment.” Prior to going public at the premiere of  _We Were Never_ , the moody character study based on Thom Dunne’s novel, in which Watson played the bereaved widower of a male partner, Watson had kept his private life out of the press, though blind items full of Master/Servant puns littered the papers during his run on Doctor Who, suggesting he may have been involved with an unnamed younger man, widely rumoured to be Kickstart guitarist, Will Saint.

Whatever baggage each carries from his own past, though, Holmes and Watson are living in the open so as to cut off speculation before it starts. “Of course we don’t want to be hounded, followed to the coffee shop,” Watson says, “But we’ve nothing to hide, either. I don’t know what Sherlock would say, but I think we fell in love, really, the day we met. It just took some time for us to grow into it.” Watson can’t help beaming; it’s the face of a man thoroughly, blissfully smitten.  Asked again about whether fans of _Bristol Stomp_ can soon anticipate a happy announcement, he offers, “We’ve been living together a few months. . .What do you want me to say? I’ll send you a save-the-date card when it’s time!”

As we do every month, Music Rage sent our celebrity couple a dozen randomly-shuffled songs/videos from our archives and asked them to comment.

*

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/AslPYSm7jfg%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_The Wheel,_ ** **by S O H N**

 **John Watson:** Oh, watch out. Hipsters!

 **Sherlock Holmes:** It’s interesting.

 **JW:** I don’t understand this at all. Is that a dial tone from a 1980s phone?

 **SH:** The androgynous voice is doing me in. Utterly.

 **JW:** Look at you—

 **SH:** Shut up.

 **JW:** You’re mesmerized.

 **SH:** John.

 **JW:** This one’s all you. . .this was made for you.

 **SH:** Make sure Molly puts this in my iPod.

 **JW:** Tell her yourself. She’s your assistant.

 **SH:** Eight of ten.

 **JW:** Like a two?

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/1lI30Qw69AQ%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_Do You Remember,_ ** **by Ane Brun**

 **SH:** Yodeling. No.

 **JW:** It looks like a proper video, at least. Like a little film. Actually, the video’s distracting me from the song.

 **SH:** This is painful. So boring. I’m going for more wine—do you want some?

 **JW:** This girl’s obviously European. They don’t tolerate women her size in America. That’s a bit sad.

 **SH:** [distantly] We’re supposed to talk about the song.

 **JW:** Oh, right. This is music for middle-aged women.

 **SH:** [nearby again] Dull. Thank god it’s over.

 **JW:** Inoffensive, but. . .three.

 **SH:** Negative one.

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/57Ykv1D0qEE%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_Inner City Blues_ ** **, by Marvin Gaye**

 **JW:** I’m a little ashamed to say I’ve never heard this one before. What a voice.

 **SH:** I can’t concentrate on the lyrics because the beat is so. . .

 **JW:** Go on, say it.

 **SH:** Funky?

 **JW:** [laughs] It is! It’s sexy and funky.

 **SH:** The lyrics are probably the point of it, though, don’t you think? The ones I _am_ hearing are fairly thought-provoking.

 **JW:** Oh, now it’s “What’s Goin’ On.” That’s brilliant. Eight from me.

 **SH:** Eight, as well.

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/cJRP3LRcUFg%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_This Charming Man,_ ** **by The Smiths**

 **JW:** Aaah. . .sweet relief! A true classic.

 **SH:** Well, you have a type.

 **JW:** Skinny prettyboys with overly-fussed-about hair.

 **SH:** [hums]

 **JW:** He was lovely.

 **SH:** I like him more now. He looks like a man.

 **JW:** You have a type, as well. But what about this song? Amazing, right? Brilliant.

 **SH:** Bit repetitive.

 **JW:** Stop talking.

 **SH:** And the whiney voice.

 **JW:** Hush now.

 **SH:** It’s the oldies, innit? [stifled laugh]

 **JW:** Quiet now, forever. You are in the presence of greatness.

 **SH:** So are you.

 **JW:** If you value our relationship, don't speak again unless you are rating this ten of ten.

 **SH:** I'd give it a ffffff. . ..

 **JW:** Sherlock!

 **SH:** Ten! All right, all right, ten-plus!

 **JW:** Eleven.

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22420%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/KiLw45oAuD0%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_Ooh, Aah. . .Just a Little Bit,_ ** **by Gina G**

 **JW:** Oh dear jesus.

 **SH:** Oh! I know this one!

 **JW:** Say you’re joking. . .What are you doing? Are you dancing to this?

 **SH:** This one’s from my days as a go-go boy.

 **JW:** You have my attention.

 **SH:** Of course I wasn’t really a go-go boy. But I could have been!

 **JW:** This is a whole new side of you I’m seeing right now.

 **SH:** I admit this sounded much better with all the drugs.

 **JW:** Keep shaking that in my face and I won’t be held responsible for the outcome.

 **SH:** Buy a girl a drink?

 **JW:** Is the song still playing?

 **SH:** Stop it now, I’m getting my groove on. God I miss those days.

[Muffled laughing. Possible snogging? Likely snogging]

 **SH:** Not the drugs, though, of course. Kids, don’t do drugs. Ten for this one.

 **JW:** Ten from me; the dancing puts it over the top. . . Come back here, you.

[Laughing. Muffled laughing. Almost certainly snogging]

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22420%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/Y4NGoS330HE%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_I Wanna Be Yours,_ ** **by Arctic Monkeys**

 **JW:** Oh, dear. It’s a sad one.

 **SH:** Insipid.

 **JW:** “I wanna be your vacuum cleaner?” Man, kids today. Sad hipsters. Can we skip the rest?

 **SH:** They should be embarrassed to put their names on it. Zero.

 **JW:** Negative a million.

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/RDlQGx1L-wc%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_Horse and I,_ ** **by Bat for Lashes**

 **JW:** Sorry. I dozed off.

 **SH:** It’s a fairy tale. I could fall asleep to it.

 **JW:** I just did. This is for girls at university.

 **SH:** I meant it kindly. It’s giving me a shiver down the back of my head—her voice. I’ll have some of that in the iPod, as well. Six for music, Nine for the voice.

 **JW:** One?

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22420%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/v_rp55TU7es%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_Princess Crocodile_ ** **, by Gry and FM Einheit**

 **JW:** I guess it’s sort of interesting. Like—what?—cabaret music. It’s old-timey, 1930s kind of thing? Who are you texting?

 **SH:** I’m asking Molly if we can get out of finishing this.

 **JW:** Give me that. Put it away. We’re meant to talk about the songs.

 **SH:** This music makes me want to commit self-harm. Keep it away from teenage girls, that’s my advice.

 **JW:** Sherlock.

 **SH:** More wine? Let’s have more wine.

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/J-N70L-MLSU%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_Fantastic Failure,_ ** **by Kristeen Young**

 **JW:** Is that Kate Bush? It’s quite a voice. Oh, no. . .I saw this one open for Morrissey. She’s remarkable, actually.

 **SH:** Shh. . .

 **JW:** Oh, his majesty needs quiet.

 **SH:** John! Shut up!

 **JW:** He likes it.

 **SH:**  . . .Please. I meant shut up, please.

[song plays through to the end]

 **SH:** Play that again. Twenty of ten. Fifty. All the numbers. Infinity.

 **JW:** She’s very brave onstage, just her and that electric piano but she fills up the place. It’s difficult music, though. Not really my cup of tea. But. I’ll say it’s a six.

 **SH:** Play it again.

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/w8l-9nuXkDo%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_Techno Fan_ ** **, by the Wombats**

 **JW:** I quite like this one.

 **SH:** Too English. They’re probably American.

 **JW:** Look at this one though, what a sweet, sad face on him.

 **SH:** Are you trying to make me jealous?

 **JW:** Not a bit. Come here, you.

 **SH:** We’re meant to talk about—

[Definite snogging, with sighs, some laughter, and one “m-hm”; the song plays through to the end.]

 **JW:** Nine.

 **SH:** Only nine?! Not ten?! Oh, you mean the song. Four.

 **JW:** Ten for not-the-song. [laughs]

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/PLSI_ZN4jAY%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_How Lucky You Are_ ** **, by Delaney Davidson and Marlon Williams**

 **JW:** I’ve had it with the old-timey stuff, really. Is this the trend right now? I can’t get into it.

 **SH:** You should expand your late-‘80s horizons, John.

 **JW:** It makes me want to listen to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

 **SH:** Point proven.

 **JW:** You can’t tell me you like this. . .

 **SH:** Well, no. But I can see why one might.

 **JW:** There’s a treatise in there about liking what’s liked by others because it’s expected, versus liking what you like just because you like it. I don’t know. . .I don’t hate it. Five? Six?

 **SH:** Five.

 

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/hlVBg7_08n0%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**_Same Love_ ** **, by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert**

[the song plays all the way through]

 **JW:** [sniffs, exhales a hard sigh, laughs slightly]

 **SH:** Oh. . .

 **JW:** Ten.

 **SH:** Ten.

 

-END-

 

 

(Bonus track, the Bristol Stomp! by the Dovells:)

[ ](<iframe%20width=%22420%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22//www.youtube.com/embed/XCOB5-E4P6Y%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen></iframe>)

**Author's Note:**

> Spotify Playlist with all these songs!
> 
> http://open.spotify.com/user/poppy_alexander/playlist/3Qpxqtcfk9MCGIhTAA7OLr


End file.
